solemnlysworn | Breaking up is hard to do

Breaking up is hard to do

Name: Tavros Nitram, Karkat Vantas
Type: Log
Open or Closed: Closed
Summary: Galen has gotten to Karkat, slowly made him grow apart from his friends. Away from Tavros. Tavros finally decides to talk to him about it.
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It was nearing the end of their sixth year of Hogwarts. If you asked if it was a good year, and Tavros said yes... It would have been a lie. Something had changed. He and Karkat... they'd both changed. Karkat had changed the most. Tavros didn't understand why he was acting so different lately, so... withdrawn. So very much unlike himself. But he'd been afraid to ask, because he was afraid of what the answer might have been. He was afraid that he had done something wrong. That Karkat didn't like him anymore. But Tavros rationalized it in his head that if... if that were the case, Karkat would have told him. He couldn't have done anything wrong, because Karkat would have told him, right?

But Tavros couldn't pretend that nothing was wrong anymore. His heart ached too much for the days when he didn't have to pretend; when they actually were close. Back when things were just... perfect. He wanted to try and bring that back. So that's why he finally, after all year of trying to pretend that things were okay, he decided to talk to Karkat. He had to find out what was wrong. He couldn't deal with not knowing anymore. He missed Karkat so much. He'd thought about it long and hard, too, and finally decided on the best place to meet him.

So that's why Tavros made his way out to the shack where it had all started. He'd gotten so much better at being sneaky, even in his wheelchair, just by being friends with Gamzee. It was easy to make it there without getting caught. He'd even stopped feeling too guilty about breaking the rules. And he was an expert by that point at care of magical creatures- or at least, he thought so. Which is why he wasn't very afraid of the creatures in the forest. He could take care of himself, he wasn't a kid anymore. He was seventeen, in fact. He wasn't as scared as he used to be about a lot of things.

Seeing the shack again after so long was hard, though. It brought back so many memories of the two of them, and it was painful to relive them when they were in such a bad state. He just wished everything could be normal again. That was all he wanted, so why couldn't it be that easy? But he'd already had to face the fact that life was not that easy already. So he didn't stupidly dwell on that anymore. All he could do was focus on fixing it, if he could. Somehow, he had to be able to fix it. When he finally calmed down enough, he reached into the bag he'd brought with him and took out a piece of paper. He wrote Karkat a note telling him where to meet him, and then sent his owl off with it. Once he'd done that, he settled down to wait for Karkat to show up, while he tried not to think too hard about it.

It would be okay, he told himself. It had to be.

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He hadn't spoken to Tavros in a long time. Actually he didn't think he'd spoken to the other boy the whole year. He had his reasons though, however small they were. Karkat hadn't been expecting to see an owl swoop into his usual spot in the owlery with a note for him. In all honesty, he knew he'd been keeping his distance, but with the way things were...it had been for the best.

It had been surprisingly easy to separate himself from the Hufflepuff boy. Even without Galen stroking his hair and murmuring into his ear, stepping away from his boyfriend of three years had been heart-achingly easy. Not for the first time Karkat wished he could explain himself, could tell Tavros what was really going on, he'd been protecting him for his own safety.

Galen had graduated the year before, but he'd kept in contact with Karkat by a two-way mirror, meeting him on Hogsmeade weekends where a room at one of the inns meant Karkat would disappear for the day. If anyone noticed the way the Gryffindor limped for a few days afterwards, nobody spoke up.

After all, nobody cared.

A little while after the message had been sent, the door to the musty old shack opened. It was raining outside, and a drenched Karkat stood in the doorway, red hair clamping to his face, robes soaked, expression unreadable.

When he heard the door open, Tavros turned his wheelchair around to face the door. He'd decided to work on some of his homework, but it had been hard to focus on it. Mainly, he'd just been staring at the paper with the quill dripping onto the page. He didn't immediately say anything, and instead he took the paper and quill and stuck it back in his bag. Then, he looked up at Karkat. "Oh, you're wet..." he murmured, and in a way he felt bad for making Karkat come in the rain.

And now that he was speaking to him, for the first time in months, it... it was hard. He didn't know what to say, and at the same time he was overwhelmed with emotion. He missed Karkat. He bit his lip and looked away, forcing back the tears that threatened to come. He had to tell himself there was no reason to cry- he was being silly. Very silly. Just because he missed Karkat didn't mean he had to cry- he was standing right there, after all.

Swallowing, he looked back at Karkat. "Um... I could, dry you off with a spell, maybe...?" His voice was hesitant and unsure. He didn't know how to touch on the subject of what he really wanted to talk about, so instead he was going to focus on something else entirely. Even if he wasn't the best at magic. Even if he was so damn nervous that he would probably screw up even the most simple of spells. But he kept telling himself that he had no reason to be nervous. He was just... being pessimistic. Very pessimistic.

Karkat wasn't the best at keeping a poker face. He wasn't a goddamn Strider, and he'd always been pretty emotional but seeing Tavros about to break down in tears made him look away. He couldn't watch that. Not when it reminded him of everything they'd been through. His hands clenched into fists in his hoodie pocket, struggling to find the words.

He couldn't drag this on much longer. He couldn't stand to watch Tavros be hurt by him, or risk him getting hurt by Galen through association. Their relationship had been the starting point for everything Galen had put him through over the last two years, the older Slytherin threatening harm on the wheelchair bound boy.

"Don't bother," he said, finally shaking his head before stepping a little further into the shack, closing the door behind him. "I'm not staying."

Karkat's words kind of felt like a punch in his stomach. Why wasn't he staying? Why did he sound like that? So... distant. God, why was it like this? Why couldn't it just go back to normal? Why did Karkat want to leave? What had Tavros done to make this happen? He was trying to think back, trying to figure out anything he might've done, but he just couldn't think of anything.

"O-Okay," he managed to get out, but it was quiet and a little choked, because he was definitely fighting back tears again. He just didn't understand what was going on. The words came out before he could stop them, before he could come up with a better way to bring it up. "What did I do?"

It's nothing you've done, he wanted to say. He wanted to say so much but he couldn't. He couldn't risk the other boy's life by letting his feelings get in the way. Galen might not be a student anymore but he'd probably find out some way that Karkat had blabbed. His tight expression faltered for a moment and if Tavros was looking he'd see the look in Karkat's eyes. The look that said everything he couldn't say.

Karkat ducked his head away, stuffing his hands in his jean pockets as a sneer curled on his lips before it dropped. He kept his head lowered, struggling to find words to say now that he was in the same room as his...he couldn't call him his boyfriend anymore. He couldn't even call him a friend.

"It's not you."

It's not you.

Those words made him feel strangely icy, when they should have been a comfort. He clenched his fists tightly, but it didn't stop him from shaking. The tears he'd fought back up until then spilled now, running down his cheek. They should have been a comfort, but they weren't.

Because...

"Y-You're lying," he whispered, and he wasn't looking at Karkat anymore, he was staring down at his lap, as tears dripped onto the back of his hand. He'd seen enough romance movies in his time with Karkat to know how this went. That's why those words weren't comforting. Because he knew better. "That's....t-that's what they, all say. In the movies, and, th-the books. But it's a lie..." He brought his hands up and wiped furiously at his eyes. "I'm s-sorry for whatever I did," he said, turning his face to look up at Karkat again, as he continued wiping at his tears. "S-So sorry, because I really didn't, m-mean to."

Karkat didn't look at him. If he looked at him he'd spill the beans, he knew it. About the abuse, about the threats, about the sex. About why he hated being touched even more than he had at thirteen, about why he had spent the last year and a half pretty much in isolation, keeping himself from his friends. Galen would follow through on his promises, even though part of Karkat wanted to believe that Tavros still cared about him.

He made a 'tcht' noise with his tongue, looking away to the side, not letting himself watch the other boy. He pursed his lips together, closing his eyes. "If you don't stop that blubbering, I'm leaving right now."

If Karkat actually expected that to work, then he was mistaken. It only made Tavros's eyebrows furrow, and the tears come harder. It had been years since Karkat had said anything so nasty to him. Then again, it had been a long time since he'd said anything at all to him, but... hearing that was just. He couldn't handle it. But he swallowed, trying to reign it in. He wiped harder and faster, trying to calm down even though it was futile.

"I-I guess you'll just, have to leave then... because, I can't stop," he finally said. "Please, Karkat...Please just tell me, w-what I did, so I can fix it. That's why I-I told you to come here...s-so we could t-talk."

It was bad enough that Karkat's own emotions were on high. He'd been nervous on the way to the shack and his high strung emotions as of late weren't helped by the fact that Tavros was crying. He couldn't bear saying anything nasty to the other boy, not when he mattered so much to him. His heart ached, and the words 'fix it' sent something to his brain. Some kind of sign that this was where he could snap and let it go. Let it loose.

"There's nothing you can fucking do about it!" he yelled, his voice growing louder and louder towards the end of his sentence. He withdrew his hands from his pockets, gesturing wildly as he was prone to doing when he was annoyed or otherwise. "It's not your fucking fault, it's mine! I couldn't do any fucking thing to stop it from happening!" Oh crap. Karkat froze when he realized he'd said something and he shook his head. "I'm doing this for your own good, you ungrateful little piece of shit!"

Tavros flinched at the words, as if they'd physically slapped him in the face. He'd never been able to handle Karkat yelling at him, ever. It was just one of the things that hurt him most, because he looked up to him so much. For Karkat to yell at him, it usually meant that Tavros had fucked up big time. Either that, or he was just really angry. But even then, Tavros felt like it was his fault.

So in this situation, it just made him absolutely miserable. Even more so than he already was. But what Karkat said had him confused. His brain tried to process everything he'd said, to possibly make sense of it. It was really hard separating each word in his head when it was so full of his own confused, sad feelings. And Karkat's last words hurt a lot, even if they were confusing, but he was trying really hard not to focus on those. He had to find out what Karkat meant.

"Stop w-what?" he finally asked, and he fought to keep his voice steady. "You're not, m-making any sense."

This wasn't his ideal situation. He knew yelling would make him slip up. Why had he thought coming here was a good idea. Karkat's hand curled into a fist, but he didn't punch anything. His upper body shook before he wrapped his arms around himself, looking away again. He didn't want to answer, because he knew something would come up.

He felt disgusting when Galen touched him, lower than dirt. Appropriate since he was a mudblood. It had become so easy to call himself a whore, to respond to rough touches. He'd feared that when he interacted with someone else, it would just make everything so much more real. He curled inward, taking a few deep breaths to calm himself down before continuing.

"See? You don't know. Nobody does. Nobody can help me because nobody cares."

Karkat's words made his eyes open wider, completely and totally surprised. So... there was something going on that Tavros didn't know about. That Karkat wasn't telling people, apparently. But... more than that, what Tavros was worried about was the fact Karkat thought no one cared. "You... what? Karkat, you...y-you think I don't care?" he asked, and his voice was confused and worried, because he thought he'd made it clear that he did.

"Karkat, I care! I love you! I care, so much about you and, just love you so much," he said, and he sounded almost frantic, as if he needed to get it out as fast as possible, to make sure Karkat knew.

"Stop lying to me!"

Karkat couldn't help it; he screamed. He usually just yelled when he got upset or anything but this was probably the first time Tavros had ever heard him scream. He closed his eyes, trying and failing to calm himself down as he drew his hands up to his shoulders. A part of him believed it, but he was so confused lately. He took a deep breath, air leaving him in a shudder.

"You don't! We were just confused and...it meant nothing to you!"

Tavros was so surprised by the fact Karkat had screamed at him that it shocked him out of crying. He stared at Karkat in disbelief, his eyes wide and very scared. He fought to process everything Karkat had said, because he was just so... he just couldn't believe Karkat had screamed at him like that. He could barely even register what Karkat had said.

But when he finally did put everything together, he just felt like even more surprised, even more in absolute disbelief. He couldn't- he just... How could Karkat think that? After everything, how could Karkat think he was lying, that it didn't mean anything to him?

He opened his mouth to speak, but his voice came out so very small because he was just... so afraid. And even more than that, he was hurt. It hurt to think that Karkat could actually believe that.. "It meant everything to me..."

The Gryffindor placed a hand to his face. He tried to stop the small hitches of breath that were starting to leave him, tried to stop the tears. He'd already cried to himself too much, he didn't need to break down in front of someone else. Especially someone who he cared about and had believed who cared about him in return.

But the first sob came and before he could stop it, he was crying. It hurt. It hurt so much. He couldn't tell anyone or say anything. He'd already said too much. What if Galen chose to apparate right in here? They were far out enough in the Forbidden Forest, it was possible, right? He couldn't defend Tavros if that happened. He couldn't stop anything.

He could barely save himself let alone someone else.

Karkat sank to his knees, curling in on himself as he started crying outright. Why couldn't Tavros just let him keep him from harm and why did he have to ask to talk?

Tavros hadn't been expecting Karkat to start crying. It was just one surprised after another and it was starting to become really hard to deal with. He stared down with wide eyes at Karkat, his eyebrows raised and his mouth open slightly. What was going on? What was Karkat crying about? He just... he didn't understand. It hurt to see that, though. It hurt so much, and he just wanted to make it better.

He rolled himself forward and stopped a few inches away from Karkat. As confused as he was, he knew there was something wrong. There had to be, for Karkat to be crying like this. Tavros was almost scared to find out, because he knew if Karkat was crying, it had to be very bad.

"Please..." he whispered, "talk to me. Tell me what's wrong, please."

"I can't. I've already said too much."

He couldn't. Couldn't, couldn't, couldn't. Karkat shook his head as he rubbed furiously at his eyes, trying to stop his tears now. His heart ached. It was easy to hate the world when you didn't have something or someone tying you down. It was easy to hate everyone else when you didn't talk to anyone. He wanted to, but he couldn't. He cupped a hand over his mouth, breath hitching as he breathed in.

After a moment or so he calmed down considerably and stood, wiping at his eyes before taking a deep breath and squaring his shoulders. He pursed his lips together, glancing at Tavros before looking away. "It's for the best anyway. You'd get hurt. Everyone would."

After Karkat spoke, it pretty much solidified the fact that yeah, there was definitely something wrong. And he knew that Karkat hadn't been lying when he'd said it wasn't Tavros. This realization scared Tavros more than anything. But at the same time, Karkat's words also made him angry. He couldn't tell him because he was trying to protect him? No. NO.

"You... this is about, protecting m-me?" he asked, and he was suddenly angry enough that his tears stopped. He wiped at them, getting rid of the few remaining ones. "There's something wrong, and you're not... you're not telling me because you think I might get hurt?" This was so stupid. This wasn't fair. "Karkat...this is hurting me!" he said, and his voice was raising now too.

He was so tired of his friends thinking they needed to protect him. "I'm not a, kid anymore!" he stated, "I don't need protecting! And if there's, s-something wrong, then you have to tell me! I'm tired of being protected, and I'm tired of people thinking they have to protect me!" He took a deep breath, because now he was shaking with anger. This just. wasn't. fair. "I'm not a kid," he repeated quietly. "So stop treating me like one. I'm of age, now. I can handle myself. I can do anything, because you give me the strength. I'm not scared of getting hurt, if I can just fix whatever it is that's hurting you!"

"You wouldn't be able to do anything! You can't just fix this!" Karkat's voice rose a little, the Gryffindor gesturing wildly as he spoke. "I'm not protecting you because I think you're a kid or that you can't protect yourself! You wouldn't be able to stand up to him! He'd kill you."

Karkat shook his head, kicking himself. He'd already said too much, might as well go all the way and explain things. There'd been a Hogsmeade trip a few days ago. The bruises were still there. Slowly, shakily, Karkat drew his hands to the waistband of his pants, starting to undo them and letting them drop to his ankles along with his underwear, shrugging off his robes for a clearer view. Dark blue and yellow bruises decorated his hips, scratch lines from nails and small cutting spells decorating the lower half of his legs. He looked down at the floor, refusing to look Tavros in the eyes.

"I can't stop it," he whispered, hands clenching into fists at his sides. "I'm sorry."

Tavros was about to respond, about to ask who would kill him, but then Karkat was moving and taking off his clothes. Under normal circumstances he would have stammered and stuttered and asked Karkat what he was doing, but these weren't normal circumstances. He watch in fear, his heart hammering. He didn't know why Karkat was doing this, but he had a feeling it wasn't anything good and he was scared.

When Karkat was finally standing before him naked, Tavros's mouth fell open. He wasn't stupid and he wasn't naive. Not like he used to be. He knew what those bruises meant, and he knew what Karkat was saying. Suddenly it was like something snapped inside of Tavros, and he felt angrier than he ever had before.

So it was someone elses fault that Karkat was so distant. It was someone else he could blame for all of this. And that someone was hurting his boyfriend. He couldn't bring himself to think of the word rape. He just couldn't stand the fact that that was a thing. That someone was hurting Karkat that much. He was shaking with anger and devastation. Angry tears were welling in his eyes now rather than sad ones. What made him feel even worse was that Karkat felt like he couldn't prevent it. He could.

"Who did this?" he asked, and his voice was quiet, before all of a sudden he was shouting, "WHO FUCKING DID THIS?" His voice quivered and broke off at the end, and he let out a frustrated sob. "I'll kill them. I'll kill them, for doing this to you, Karkat. You say that I can't... but I WILL!"

The Gryffindor flinched visibly when Tavros started shouting, his hands clenching into fists under the hem of his shirt as he stood there, goosbumps beginning to appear on his skin from the cold and the fact that he was still wet from the rain. He hadn't wanted anyone to know. He felt so ashamed, so disgusted in himself. He wasn't a Gryffindor. He wasn't brave or whatever. He was a coward, plain and simple.

He'd never heard Tavros so angry before. Not even when they'd fought that one time in third year, he'd never heard him so pissed off. Karkat shook his head, still not looking at his b...no. He couldn't think of the other boy like that. He didn't deserve to be Tavros's boyfriend. Not when Tavros could do so much better than a used mudblood like him.

"I was coming here to break up with you," he said, somehow finding the words to speak. "You deserve better than me."

Those words stabbed at Tavros like icy cold knives in his stomach, and he almost recoiled from the physical pain he felt. No, no, no. No. That- no. He felt sick- absolutely nauseous, and he could have thrown up any minute if he'd actually eaten before coming. Fortunately, he'd been too afraid to eat. He opened his mouth to speak, but he was just... too stunned to speak. He couldn't formulate anything in that moment.

This wasn't happening. He couldn't let this happen.

He drew in a shaky breath and opened his mouth again. "Do you have any idea," he said slowly, trying to sound as solid and confident as he could. This wasn't a game, Karkat had to know just how strongly he felt. "how many times that I thought the complete opposite of that? I went so long thinking... thinking that I just didn't deserve someone as awesome and amazing and brave as you."

He let out a small sob, because damn it this was hard and he was feeling so much. He took in another breath and continued, "Don't... don't tell me that I deserve someone better. Because... that's bullshit." Tears were falling down his face, and he was shaking. "I love you. So much."

Tavros reached up and wiped at his eyes. "Please don't do this to me," he said and this time his voice was shaky as he pleaded, "Please, Karkat. Please. I love you," he said again, "Please let me help you... please..."

Karkat opened his mouth to speak before closing it, shutting his eyes. His fingers loosened a little on the hem of his shirt, his shoulders hunching a little. This had been for the best, he truly thought that. He couldn't protect anyone, and Tavros was better off not being attached to him. If he pissed Galen off too much, who knew what would happen to the Hufflepuff boy?

"I'm a mudblood," he murmured, eyes opening to look at the floor, at the trousers around his ankles where they belonged. "I'm used. I've never deserved to live." He took a deep sigh before crouching down and beginning to pull his pants back up, careful of where they brushed. "Being with you made me feel like I could be...happy. Somehow anyway."

Karkat let his fingers linger on the hem of his pants, hovering around the button as he did it up before he let them drop. "I don't deserve to be happy. I never have deserved happiness. I wanted to keep you safe but I can't even do that. I've already told you too much. You'd be happier without me, mi amor."

Edited 2012-05-30 03:14 (UTC)

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Breaking up is hard to do

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