Breaking up is hard to do

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

Name: Tavros Nitram, Karkat Vantas
Type: Log
Open or Closed: Closed
Summary:  Galen has gotten to Karkat, slowly made him grow apart from his friends. Away from Tavros. Tavros finally decides to talk to him about it.
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It was nearing the end of their sixth year of Hogwarts. If you asked if it was a good year, and Tavros said yes... It would have been a lie. Something had changed. He and Karkat... they'd both changed. Karkat had changed the most. Tavros didn't understand why he was acting so different lately, so... withdrawn. So very much unlike himself. But he'd been afraid to ask, because he was afraid of what the answer might have been. He was afraid that he had done something wrong. That Karkat didn't like him anymore. But Tavros rationalized it in his head that if... if that were the case, Karkat would have told him. He couldn't have done anything wrong, because Karkat would have told him, right?

But Tavros couldn't pretend that nothing was wrong anymore. His heart ached too much for the days when he didn't have to pretend; when they actually were close. Back when things were just... perfect. He wanted to try and bring that back. So that's why he finally, after all year of trying to pretend that things were okay, he decided to talk to Karkat. He had to find out what was wrong. He couldn't deal with not knowing anymore. He missed Karkat so much. He'd thought about it long and hard, too, and finally decided on the best place to meet him.

So that's why Tavros made his way out to the shack where it had all started. He'd gotten so much better at being sneaky, even in his wheelchair, just by being friends with Gamzee. It was easy to make it there without getting caught. He'd even stopped feeling too guilty about breaking the rules. And he was an expert by that point at care of magical creatures- or at least, he thought so. Which is why he wasn't very afraid of the creatures in the forest. He could take care of himself, he wasn't a kid anymore. He was seventeen, in fact. He wasn't as scared as he used to be about a lot of things.

Seeing the shack again after so long was hard, though. It brought back so many memories of the two of them, and it was painful to relive them when they were in such a bad state. He just wished everything could be normal again. That was all he wanted, so why couldn't it be that easy? But he'd already had to face the fact that life was not that easy already. So he didn't stupidly dwell on that anymore. All he could do was focus on fixing it, if he could. Somehow, he had to be able to fix it. When he finally calmed down enough, he reached into the bag he'd brought with him and took out a piece of paper. He wrote Karkat a note telling him where to meet him, and then sent his owl off with it. Once he'd done that, he settled down to wait for Karkat to show up, while he tried not to think too hard about it.

It would be okay, he told himself. It had to be.

Comments

[selfhatred]

"You wouldn't be able to do anything! You can't just fix this!" Karkat's voice rose a little, the Gryffindor gesturing wildly as he spoke. "I'm not protecting you because I think you're a kid or that you can't protect yourself! You wouldn't be able to stand up to him! He'd kill you."

Karkat shook his head, kicking himself. He'd already said too much, might as well go all the way and explain things. There'd been a Hogsmeade trip a few days ago. The bruises were still there. Slowly, shakily, Karkat drew his hands to the waistband of his pants, starting to undo them and letting them drop to his ankles along with his underwear, shrugging off his robes for a clearer view. Dark blue and yellow bruises decorated his hips, scratch lines from nails and small cutting spells decorating the lower half of his legs. He looked down at the floor, refusing to look Tavros in the eyes.

"I can't stop it," he whispered, hands clenching into fists at his sides. "I'm sorry."

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

Tavros was about to respond, about to ask who would kill him, but then Karkat was moving and taking off his clothes. Under normal circumstances he would have stammered and stuttered and asked Karkat what he was doing, but these weren't normal circumstances. He watch in fear, his heart hammering. He didn't know why Karkat was doing this, but he had a feeling it wasn't anything good and he was scared.

When Karkat was finally standing before him naked, Tavros's mouth fell open. He wasn't stupid and he wasn't naive. Not like he used to be. He knew what those bruises meant, and he knew what Karkat was saying. Suddenly it was like something snapped inside of Tavros, and he felt angrier than he ever had before.

So it was someone elses fault that Karkat was so distant. It was someone else he could blame for all of this. And that someone was hurting his boyfriend. He couldn't bring himself to think of the word rape. He just couldn't stand the fact that that was a thing. That someone was hurting Karkat that much. He was shaking with anger and devastation. Angry tears were welling in his eyes now rather than sad ones. What made him feel even worse was that Karkat felt like he couldn't prevent it. He could.

"Who did this?" he asked, and his voice was quiet, before all of a sudden he was shouting, "WHO FUCKING DID THIS?" His voice quivered and broke off at the end, and he let out a frustrated sob. "I'll kill them. I'll kill them, for doing this to you, Karkat. You say that I can't... but I WILL!"

[selfhatred]

The Gryffindor flinched visibly when Tavros started shouting, his hands clenching into fists under the hem of his shirt as he stood there, goosbumps beginning to appear on his skin from the cold and the fact that he was still wet from the rain. He hadn't wanted anyone to know. He felt so ashamed, so disgusted in himself. He wasn't a Gryffindor. He wasn't brave or whatever. He was a coward, plain and simple.

He'd never heard Tavros so angry before. Not even when they'd fought that one time in third year, he'd never heard him so pissed off. Karkat shook his head, still not looking at his b...no. He couldn't think of the other boy like that. He didn't deserve to be Tavros's boyfriend. Not when Tavros could do so much better than a used mudblood like him.

"I was coming here to break up with you," he said, somehow finding the words to speak. "You deserve better than me."

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

Those words stabbed at Tavros like icy cold knives in his stomach, and he almost recoiled from the physical pain he felt. No, no, no. No. That- no. He felt sick- absolutely nauseous, and he could have thrown up any minute if he'd actually eaten before coming. Fortunately, he'd been too afraid to eat. He opened his mouth to speak, but he was just... too stunned to speak. He couldn't formulate anything in that moment.

This wasn't happening. He couldn't let this happen.

He drew in a shaky breath and opened his mouth again. "Do you have any idea," he said slowly, trying to sound as solid and confident as he could. This wasn't a game, Karkat had to know just how strongly he felt. "how many times that I thought the complete opposite of that? I went so long thinking... thinking that I just didn't deserve someone as awesome and amazing and brave as you."

He let out a small sob, because damn it this was hard and he was feeling so much. He took in another breath and continued, "Don't... don't tell me that I deserve someone better. Because... that's bullshit." Tears were falling down his face, and he was shaking. "I love you. So much."

Tavros reached up and wiped at his eyes. "Please don't do this to me," he said and this time his voice was shaky as he pleaded, "Please, Karkat. Please. I love you," he said again, "Please let me help you... please..."

[selfhatred]

Karkat opened his mouth to speak before closing it, shutting his eyes. His fingers loosened a little on the hem of his shirt, his shoulders hunching a little. This had been for the best, he truly thought that. He couldn't protect anyone, and Tavros was better off not being attached to him. If he pissed Galen off too much, who knew what would happen to the Hufflepuff boy?

"I'm a mudblood," he murmured, eyes opening to look at the floor, at the trousers around his ankles where they belonged. "I'm used. I've never deserved to live." He took a deep sigh before crouching down and beginning to pull his pants back up, careful of where they brushed. "Being with you made me feel like I could be...happy. Somehow anyway."

Karkat let his fingers linger on the hem of his pants, hovering around the button as he did it up before he let them drop. "I don't deserve to be happy. I never have deserved happiness. I wanted to keep you safe but I can't even do that. I've already told you too much. You'd be happier without me, mi amor."